I've been to two funerals this week. One of which was a somehow expected death and the other one was sudden. Both were old but not quite. Well, not really. Listening to stories of their loved ones about what truly happened or how the death came made me think so much.

Life is just amazing. One day, you have it and then one day, it's gone.

I'm scared of losing people. I'm not really good at goodbyes. Especially those permanent goodbyes.  Some people die of old age, some are sick and have complications, others just die of natural cause. It scares me to think that every passing day, all the people I love (plus me, of course), gets closer to that point in life. It scares me to think that no one ever gets ready for it too.

Reality talks.

Every waking moment reminds me of certain things I would rather forget. But every waking moment allows me to move further as well. I know my place now. The better part is that I finally knew how to take control of what I feel. Fact: I love you. I cannot figure out how or when I could ever unlove you. I know it's what I feel right now. And I will always be here for you. But I cannot be the same person anymore.

A brief moment I spent today
To stare at you from a far, nothing to say
I looked and try to see
How things have been without me

A brief moment I smile to know
That everything is a smooth flow
That you seem fine and well
But from that moment I shall not dwell

A brief moment I stayed still
From afar, it's like a slow kill
I slowly drown with the scenes on my mind
From the start until the last spoken word became unkind

A brief moment I remembered how it happened
Then suddenly it was the end
I move around the place I stand
Uneasy and troubled, not knowing where to land

A brief moment I slowly end
From staring, my heart won't mend
I walk away and feel the pain
I whisper "I still love you", that shall keep me sane

I cannot unlove you. You are and will always be my one great love.

There comes a point when two people just stop talking to each other and start growing apart. What hurts is that one of them feels like drowning while the other one stays afloat. </3

Today a lot hurts. And it hurts to know how the hurt could actually hurt you even more. Tired. So tired. Just tired and hurt.

The Lord is my refuge and my stronghold.

I miss the way we talk to each other.
I miss the way you make me laugh.
I miss the way you hold my hand.
I miss the way you dance your crazy dance.
I miss the way you look at me.
I miss the way you surprise me.
I miss the way you hug me tight.
I miss the way you call my name.
I miss the way you act so sweet.
I miss the way you care for me.
I miss the way you pose for a wacky picture.
I miss the way you sing with me.
I miss the way you smile at me from a far.

Missing you doesn't even sum it all. But I guess what we have right now is what it is. Feelings are neither right nor wrong. So then, I can miss you all I want. I can miss you all the more.

Nobody has the right to judge anybody. I guess we all have our share of brokenness. And we shouldn't blame anyone for it. We made it for ourselves anyway.

“Sometimes you just need to cry and be sad. You need to break down and be torn apart. You need to learn to pick yourself up and put yourself back together. Sometimes, the only way to be happy is to give into sadness first, because without sadness, there is no happiness; you would never learn to smile.”